Josh Fredman (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} the_sinistral) wrote,@ 2005-10-12 12:15:00 |
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Josh News Network Presents: The JNN Curio Cabinet
Welcome to the JNN Curio Cabinet, where we take you on a fascinating, you might even say curious survey of current world events! Now let’s get going with a big, fiery…
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Blastoff! The second manned rocket of China’s burgeoning space program took to the heavens this morning in a heavily publicized and highly successful launch that will see the two Shenzhou VI astronauts enjoy the view from on high for up to five days
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Weight of the The Complete Calvin and Hobbes anthology: 23 pounds
Cost per pound, based on its $150 retail price tag: $6.52
Cost per pound, based on its $94.50 Amazon* price: $4.11
You save: 37 percent
* Amazon is a registered subsidiary of Joshtastica Industries
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Do you remember the Iron Curtain? You know, the Berlin Wall? That erstwhile symbolic boundary between virtuous Western Europe and its love of capitalism, kittens, flowers, and sunshine, and vile Communist Eastern Europe and its godless hatred of capitalism, kittens, flowers, and sunshine? Well, guess what they’re building in its place? Go on, guess before you click the link. Here’s a hint: I think it’s hella cool! Here’s another hint: You’ll need two wheels and a water bottle to ride on it! That’s right, it’s a historic bike trail!
* * *
Are you an out-of-the-loop peasant? Have you ever wondered what the blogosphere is talking about when you’re not there reading it? Have you ever wished you could figuratively take its pulse rather than muck through a big, bloody swamp of gossipy detritus? Golly! Wouldn’t taking a “blog pulse” of the blogosphere be a great way to stay caught up on all the world’s most vital news, other than by watching JNN of course? Of course it would! But that’ll never happen. However, in a completely unrelated news story, this is kinda cool.
* * *
In other news, JNN undercover reporters have captured a photograph of the top-secret automobile codenamed “Longhorn.” The prototype is the result of a joint research project between the “Big Three” automakers of Volvo, Lego, and Josh Automobiles & Motors*. Engineers are still working out some of the kinks, especially in the crash-test department, but industry analysts agree that Longhorn will revolutionize several industries at once when it reaches the market.
* JA&M is a registered subsidiary of Joshtastica Industries
* * *
Unsatisfied with merely organizing the world’s information, ushering in a new digital age, and basically changing life as we know it for the better, the famous Internet company Google (a subsidiary of Joshtastica Industries) has announced the creation of a charity fund with a starting endowment of $1 billion, representing almost 1 percent of the company’s stocks and profits. Some of the first targets of Google’s money include poverty, energy, the environment, and an alarming lack of Google page hits in the third world.
* * *
Everyone knows the famous 5 percent / 25 percent statistic. That is, the United States comprises only 5 percent of the world’s population but consumes 25 percent of its energy production. However, there’s another 5 / 25 that makes the United States look even worse: prison inmates. Yes, the United States incarcerates almost one out of every four prisoners on the planet. Or, as the Republicans like to say:
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On the lighter side of things, more and more prestigious schools are offering degrees in video gaming, thereby giving every self-respecting American a reason to pursue a higher education.
* * *
The University of Washington—which, by a geographical technicality, has been annexed into the Sovereign Empire of Greater Joshalonia—is moving ahead with some fascinating lectures on globalization this autumn, for those so inclined to broaden their horizons and deepen their perspective. Plus, it’s a great alternative to prison! Yes, in Joshalonia, the inmate population is presently zero. We do have a prison, but most of the time it doubles as a fashionable bakery. And that’s a vegetarian bakery, for all you sickos out there who were gonna make the joke. Also be sure to check out the University’s upcoming lecture on green buildings.
* * *
Yesterday marked the publication of Robert Jordan’s latest Wheel of Time novel. Knife of Dreams is the eleventh out of Jorddan’s supposedly twelve-book series that was once a minor fad in Joshalonia, before the series lost much of its luster seven books back when the leading villain Lanfear was scandalously knocked out of the picture—literally—and supplanted by thousands upon thousands of pages of Nynaeve pulling her hair, Elayne taking baths, and Egwene trying on dresses. Do we wonder what’s on Jordan’s mind? No, I think we already know. Anyhow, mum’s the word on Lanfear’s current fate in this book, but JNN’s resident literary critic J. Samuel Clemens rates Knife of Dreams as something to be “cautiously optimistic” about. Read on!
* * *
Just a reminder to our Jewish viewers: Tonight marks the beginning of Yom Kippur, the annual holiday of atonement. Whereas most Jewish holidays are inspired by the old Jewish lore:
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So ends another edition of the JNN Curio Cabinet. Tune in next time, and for now we leave you with The Picture of the Day, which wholly if subtly captures everything that’s wrong with America, in multiple-choice format:
Welcome to the JNN Curio Cabinet, where we take you on a fascinating, you might even say curious survey of current world events! Now let’s get going with a big, fiery…
Blastoff! The second manned rocket of China’s burgeoning space program took to the heavens this morning in a heavily publicized and highly successful launch that will see the two Shenzhou VI astronauts enjoy the view from on high for up to five days
Weight of the The Complete Calvin and Hobbes anthology: 23 pounds
Cost per pound, based on its $150 retail price tag: $6.52
Cost per pound, based on its $94.50 Amazon* price: $4.11
You save: 37 percent
* Amazon is a registered subsidiary of Joshtastica Industries
Do you remember the Iron Curtain? You know, the Berlin Wall? That erstwhile symbolic boundary between virtuous Western Europe and its love of capitalism, kittens, flowers, and sunshine, and vile Communist Eastern Europe and its godless hatred of capitalism, kittens, flowers, and sunshine? Well, guess what they’re building in its place? Go on, guess before you click the link. Here’s a hint: I think it’s hella cool! Here’s another hint: You’ll need two wheels and a water bottle to ride on it! That’s right, it’s a historic bike trail!
Are you an out-of-the-loop peasant? Have you ever wondered what the blogosphere is talking about when you’re not there reading it? Have you ever wished you could figuratively take its pulse rather than muck through a big, bloody swamp of gossipy detritus? Golly! Wouldn’t taking a “blog pulse” of the blogosphere be a great way to stay caught up on all the world’s most vital news, other than by watching JNN of course? Of course it would! But that’ll never happen. However, in a completely unrelated news story, this is kinda cool.
In other news, JNN undercover reporters have captured a photograph of the top-secret automobile codenamed “Longhorn.” The prototype is the result of a joint research project between the “Big Three” automakers of Volvo, Lego, and Josh Automobiles & Motors*. Engineers are still working out some of the kinks, especially in the crash-test department, but industry analysts agree that Longhorn will revolutionize several industries at once when it reaches the market.
* JA&M is a registered subsidiary of Joshtastica Industries
Unsatisfied with merely organizing the world’s information, ushering in a new digital age, and basically changing life as we know it for the better, the famous Internet company Google (a subsidiary of Joshtastica Industries) has announced the creation of a charity fund with a starting endowment of $1 billion, representing almost 1 percent of the company’s stocks and profits. Some of the first targets of Google’s money include poverty, energy, the environment, and an alarming lack of Google page hits in the third world.
Everyone knows the famous 5 percent / 25 percent statistic. That is, the United States comprises only 5 percent of the world’s population but consumes 25 percent of its energy production. However, there’s another 5 / 25 that makes the United States look even worse: prison inmates. Yes, the United States incarcerates almost one out of every four prisoners on the planet. Or, as the Republicans like to say:
With great greatness comes great responsibility, and so by imprisoning millions of our own people and thus ensuring the safety of those on the outside, the United States truly is the Land of the Free…except for you, you, and you. Oh, and don’t bother comparing crime rates between the U.S. and other developed countries…they’ll totally agree with the shit we’ve been feeding you that our massive penal institution makes this country the safest on Earth. Instead, why not look at an article on the increase of female inmates in U.S. prisons? As it turns out, women are the fastest-growing segment of the country’s prison population. See? Proof that women are a threat to the social order and must be domesticated or imprisoned—you know, whatever. And besides, there’s a really hot picture in that article, so stop thinking about our egregiously high incarceration rates and start thinking about new ways to discriminate against women!As per company policy, the JNN reporter interviewing the Republican in question summarily shot him in the head…which, according to the Joshalonian Penal Code, is not a crime.
On the lighter side of things, more and more prestigious schools are offering degrees in video gaming, thereby giving every self-respecting American a reason to pursue a higher education.
The University of Washington—which, by a geographical technicality, has been annexed into the Sovereign Empire of Greater Joshalonia—is moving ahead with some fascinating lectures on globalization this autumn, for those so inclined to broaden their horizons and deepen their perspective. Plus, it’s a great alternative to prison! Yes, in Joshalonia, the inmate population is presently zero. We do have a prison, but most of the time it doubles as a fashionable bakery. And that’s a vegetarian bakery, for all you sickos out there who were gonna make the joke. Also be sure to check out the University’s upcoming lecture on green buildings.
Yesterday marked the publication of Robert Jordan’s latest Wheel of Time novel. Knife of Dreams is the eleventh out of Jorddan’s supposedly twelve-book series that was once a minor fad in Joshalonia, before the series lost much of its luster seven books back when the leading villain Lanfear was scandalously knocked out of the picture—literally—and supplanted by thousands upon thousands of pages of Nynaeve pulling her hair, Elayne taking baths, and Egwene trying on dresses. Do we wonder what’s on Jordan’s mind? No, I think we already know. Anyhow, mum’s the word on Lanfear’s current fate in this book, but JNN’s resident literary critic J. Samuel Clemens rates Knife of Dreams as something to be “cautiously optimistic” about. Read on!
Just a reminder to our Jewish viewers: Tonight marks the beginning of Yom Kippur, the annual holiday of atonement. Whereas most Jewish holidays are inspired by the old Jewish lore:
They wanted to kill us……Yom Kippur is marked for its sobriety and austerity. Or, in other words:
We won.
Let’s eat!
Let us repent for our wrongs…See the difference? And even though the holiday is ended with a traditional breaking of the fast—Jews always find a way to cap off a celebration with food—Yom Kipper certainly lacks a certain dreidel-spinning, lulav-shaking, hamantaschen-snarfing felicity. From someone who’s been there and done that, the hardest part of the fast has nothing to do with the food. It’s all about going an entire day without water.
And let us fast.
So ends another edition of the JNN Curio Cabinet. Tune in next time, and for now we leave you with The Picture of the Day, which wholly if subtly captures everything that’s wrong with America, in multiple-choice format:
